Jaded Sunburns

Full Lyrics – Bullet In My Hand/Redlight King
There’s someone looking out for me
I came out of the darkness
With a bullet in my hand
I got one more shot at livin’
I’m lucky that I can
Cause I got a little roughed up
Yeah I really got fucked up
I came out of the darkness
With a bullet in my hand

While, I’m not completely out of the darkness yet, I am trying to embrace that train of thought and run with it. Full speed ahead, no slowing down for idiotic bs along the way that is determined to try and stop me. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Just. Keep. Going.

One of these days, I will be out – completely. When that happens, I will have done so with my soul in tact. I’ve got one more shot at living, and I’m not going to mess it up this time. (insert uncontrollable laughter since I know I will mess up plenty. I am only human.)

I’ve decided to create my own chrome plated heart, keep the world at arms length, packed up neatly in the appropriate boxes within my life. Nobody is going to take away my power within. Nobody is going to remove my strength nor my desire to become more than I am today. Nobody is going to get close enough to me to hurt me, to scar me even more or to bring me down to a level that I am not fit to be on. My worth is more than what the world values me as, and I will come out of this darkness, on top of this mountain of shit. In spite of, because of, the disbelievers.

Head on, I am going to plow into this one more shot at living like the Mac truck that I am. That’s just the way I roll, yo.

*funny thing is, I wrote all but the last paragraph of this post at least a month ago. It’s funny how just a few small weeks can change so much. Ironic…*

I talk the talk. I really put everything that I’ve got into believing the words too. Yet, I do not.

Why play games here. Let’s just be honest.

Some days I do all right. Other days, not so much. I fall to my knees on these days, begging and crying. Who really gives a rats ass, tho, right? I mean, I should “get over it”. Put on my big girl panties. Look at the blessings. Scramble past the never ending ache and hurt in my heart. Grasp that which is before me and run with it. It’s just a day.

Yeah. I know. Some days I do all right.

Don’t worry. I get tired of hearing it too. I get tired of feeling it. I’m just tired.

So, Um…Yeah…

Struggling with finding a zone. Nothing pre accident is right. Nothing I’ve tried since fits. I am lost in this “in between”, floating around aimless, really. Not gaining any ground, so it feels. I’m that lost puzzle piece you spend hours searching for so that you can just finish what you started. Even things I thought I’d gained since, I’ve lost as well. It’s kinda funny how that’s happened.

Sometimes things just pile up and I’m in the process of trying to dig my way out of underneath it all. Taking a breath, moving forward a tad, and doing it all over again. Too much crap for just one girl. It gets heavy, this load, and there are times I just don’t feel strong enough to deal with any of it any more. None. I want to throw in the towel and be done. Yet, it doesn’t work that way. The only thing I can do is keep trudging through, shuffling, every day. Even the days that I spend laying in the darkness crying are days moving forward as I am releasing the pent up fear, anger, pain, longing, bleakness, etc. Getting it out, letting it go, is healing and good. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and not allow the darkness to swallow me. Like a broken record, it just keeps skipping – so it seems to me.

With heavy heart I cry. Forcing myself not to focus on all of the loss but to focus on the blessing of breath moving freely in and out of my lungs, and my son’s lungs, as we figure our way through this new life daily. Some days that’s so hard to do. Especially when I just keep getting hit with shit, over and over again. One of these days, the sun will come out. I keep holding out for that day. Until then, I wander this path trying desperately to not get sucked into the sink holes that insist upon trying to pull me down.

11 months, but who’s counting. Except me and Riley.

Jaded Sunburns

Diva In Fabulous Shoes – Awake & Alive

updated I Got One More Shot At Living

11 Months. So, Um…Yeah.